my thoughts had spiraled downward. i suddenly saw that all my life, i'd been shallow and without ambition, content to take my birth order destiny and make it the sole focus of my life. i made my nightly entry in my journal. i recounted how i'd finally enlisted, but also included my terror at nothing and my final image of myself at the end of the day, a lowly soldier unable to keep his promise to his sister. it was a savage denunciation of myself. the tidy little cabin i had so enjoyed earlier in the day now seemed an empty little shell that i had moved myself into, something that would permit me no growth, nothing but existence.

my hearth fire was the only light in the cabin. i banked it, undressed, and lay down on my hard bunk. i listened to the wind howl, pitied poor clove standing in it, and then fell into a deep sleep.

i dreamed of a smell, rich and spicy. it took me some time to identify it, and then i recalled it. it was the smell of magic, the same aroma i'd inhaled when i stood on the pinnacle of the spire and plunged my hands into the magic of the dancing spindle. but in my dream, the scent of magic became instead the perfume of a woman's body. she stood naked before me, perfectly comfortable in her speckled skin. her nakedness revealed the pattern of her markings. they were much like a tabby cat's stippling, suggestive of stripes. like a curious cat, she moved soft-footed and wary around my cabin.

i watched her. the palest parts of her skin were lighter than mine, the darkest a smooth velvet black. she explored my cabin and my possessions. she lifted my shirt, fingering the fabric, and then raised it to her face, where she sniffed it with flared nostrils and half-open mouth. i caught a glimpse of her white teeth and dark tongue as she tasted my scent. when she set down my shirt and moved again, i could see the darker streak that ran down her spine. the speckles that were almost stripes radiated out from that streak. the nails of her hands and feet were dark. once she stopped her prowling and stared long at me. i looked back at her frankly. her belly was paler than the rest of her, but still speckled. the nipples of her breasts were dark. her hair was long and coarse and as streaked as the rest of her. the rain had washed her, and her hair clung flat to her skull and was a soaked veil down her back. streaks of rain glistened on her skin and small jewels of it sparkled in her pubic hair.

she was not the first speck i'd seen, nor even the first speck woman. but this time there were no cage bars between her and me, and i felt her feral grace as a muted threat. her body was strong, her legs muscled, her thighs and haunches powerful. she was easily as tall as i was. her breasts were heavy, swaying with her walk, and her belly curved frankly above the furred mound between her legs. there was nothing delicate about her. she was as unlike a gernian woman as a wolf is unlike a lapdog. i watched her scoop two fingers full of beans from my pot and taste them, frowning. she pulled her fingers from her mouth and shook them disdainfully. then she moved again, and came to stand over me in my bed. she leaned down close to me, so close i could feel her breath on my cheek. i smelled her. arousal shocked through me with an insistence i'd never felt before. i lunged for her.

i awoke on the floor with skinned knees. i was shivering with cold, and still desperately kindled. but there was no woman, not a scent or sight of her. the cold wind and driving rain were coming in through the open door. there were wet leaves tracked across my floor. i wanted most to believe that there had been a woman there, but knew the more logical explanation was that i had been sleepwalking again. the rain had chilled me and a few wet leaves were still plastered to my feet and calves. i stumbled across to the door, shut it firmly, and made sure of the latch. i added wood to my fire and then crawled back into my bed.

i tried to find sleep again, but could only skim the surface of it for moments, like a thrown stone skipping across a river. i listened to the storm rant and rave outside, and toward dawn i heard it finally give up, more from weariness than satisfaction.

i arose to a world washed clean, to blue skies and a fresh, cold wind sweeping the world. such mornings usually energized me, but today i felt old and stiff and hampered by my weight. i was hungry, yet too bleak to want to prepare food for myself. the swollen beans had burst their wrinkled skins; they looked disgusting. i nudged them closer to the coals and covered them to continue their slow cooking. i hated myself for being too stupid and greedy to save some of yesterday's loaf to break my fast. i toasted the remaining bacon on a skewer over the fire, ate some, and dropped the rest into the bean pot

when i went for water, the tall standing grass soaked me to the knees. when i stood up from dipping up a bucketful, i looked up at the forest on the hillside above me. i felt an echo of the wonder i'd felt once before at such a sight. but in the next instant, a wash of fear swept through me. i imagined slogging through wet leaves while water dripped down on me and tangled roots tripped me. buzzing insects would sting me, to say nothing of the threat of poisonous snakes and the larger predators of the forestlands. no. i wanted nothing to do with the forest. i turned away from that gloomy, dangerous place, wishing my cabin were not so close to it. i hurried away with my bucket.