"what you want it for, anyway? going to read stories to the dead?" the young son of the storeowner had been waiting on me. he looked as if he were about twelve, or perhaps a very unhealthy fourteen. since i'd walked in, he'd regarded me with the same disdain he exhibited to me every time i came in for supplies. i was weary of him, but his father's store had the best supplies in gettys. nowhere else could i have found a picture book, let alone barley sugar shaped like flowers.

"it's a present," i said gruffly.

"for who?" he demanded, as if he had the right.

"some children i know. good day." i turned to leave.

"a bit early for dark eve gifts," he observed to my back.

i shrugged one shoulder by way of response. i was nearly out the door when another voice spoke behind me. "nevare?"

despite myself, i turned to my name. a young man in a lieutenant's uniform had stepped out from behind a tall rack of tools. the moment i recognized spink, i turned away again. i headed for the door as if i'd never paused.

"wait!" i heard spink exclaim. i didn't.

i was out the door and mounting clove before he caught up with me.

"nevare! it is you! it's me, spink! don't you know me?"

"excuse me, sir. i believe you're mistaken, sir." i was shocked he knew me. i scarcely would have recognized myself as the trim academy cadet i'd once been. i avoided looking at him.

spink looked up at me incredulously. "are you saying that i don't know who i am, or that i don't recognize you?"

"sir, i don't think you know me. sir."

"nevare, this is ridiculous! i can't believe you're going to insist on this bizarre charade."

"yes, sir, i am. may i be dismissed, sir?"

"huh." he breathed out in a harsh sound of disbelief. "yes. dismissed, soldier. whatever is the matter with you? what's become of you?"

if he expected an answer, he didn't get one. i rode away from him. the afternoon was already dark, the yellow lights of gettys leaking out from the small houses and businesses. the streets were all dirty churned snow over hard ice ruts. clove's big round hooves threw up chunks of frozen muck as i urged him into a ponderous trot. i rode him toward the gates, but when i judged that spink would no longer be staring after me, i turned him aside to go to colonel haren's headquarters

i resolved that i would not let my encounter with spink rattle me from my course. i told myself that i'd done what was best for both of us. spink was a lowly lieutenant, still new to gettys, an officer with no years of experience behind him nor good social connections. it would not do him any good to admit that he was related by marriage to the fat gravedigger.

no. it was best to leave everything as it was. my life served a useful purpose. actually, i was more than useful. i was succeeding at a task where all others had failed. perhaps i was not serving my king as an illustrious officer; perhaps i would never lead a battle charge or win the day for gernia. but then, neither would spink, in his role overseeing food supplies and deliveries for the fort. in reality, how many soldiers ever did win a burst of glory? even if i'd completed the academy, like as not i'd have ended up doing some mindless task, much as spink had. it was not so bad, what i did. it was necessary.

even colonel haren said as much. that day, i finally managed to get in to see him. i think it was more his sergeant's decision than his. i'd been coming in every third day, and each day been turned away. when i'd tried to voice my concerns to his sergeant, he'd gravely informed me that as i was outside the chain of command, reporting directly to the colonel, he could not help me. that afternoon when i walked into his room, the sergeant had sighed heavily, flipped a hand at the door, and suggested sourly, "go ahead. try your luck. don't blame me if it's all bad."

"thank you." i'd immediately crossed to the door and knocked briskly. when the colonel barked irritably, "what is it?" i'd taken advantage of the query to enter and present myself.

colonel haren did not look surprised to see me. he was exactly as i'd seen him weeks before, as if he hadn't moved the whole time. he still wore his smoking jacket and cavalla trousers. this time, at least, he had two slippers on his feet. as before, the warmth in his room was overpowering. after a glance at me, he went back to staring at his roaring fire. "well. i knew you'd be back, trying to go back on your word. 'i'll do anything,' you said, didn't you? now i know what you'll say. can't cut it, can you? did you come to me to beg me to reassign you, or threaten to desert? or will you say you're ill? i've seen better men than you fail at this assignment. 'he won't last,' i told myself when i gave it to you. and here you are."