then i would wake and, like plunging into a cold river, my reality would drench me and shock me into awareness of my true self. occasionally, as had happened when i passed through the shade of the oak, the stranger inside me could still take control of my mind and show me his warped view of my world. then, in a blink of my eyes, a truer perspective would prevail, and the illusion would fade back to nothingness.

and occasionally there were moments when i felt that perhaps both views of the world were equally true and equally false. at such times, i felt torn as to who i truly was. i tried to tell myself that my conflicting emotions were no different from how my father felt about some of his vanquished plainsmen foes. he had fought them, killed them, or defeated them, yet he still respected them, and in some ways regretted his role in ending their unbound existence. at least i had finally accepted that the magic was real. i had stopped trying to deny to myself that something arcane and strange had happened to me.

i'd reached my dormitory. i took the steps two at a time. bringham house had its own small library and study area on the second floor. most of my fellows were gathered there, heads bent over their books. i ascended the last flight of stairs, and allowed myself to pause and breathe. rory was just coming out of our bunkroom. he grinned at me as i stood panting. "good to see you sweating a bit, nevare. better drop a few pounds or you'll have to borrow gord's old shirts."

"funny," i gasped, and straightened. i was puffing, but having him needle me about it didn't improve my temper at all.

he pointed a finger at my belly. "you popped a button there already, my friend!"

"that happened at the doctor's office, when he was poking and prodding at me."

"course it did!" he exclaimed with false enthusiasm. "but you'd better sew it on tonight all the same, or you'll be marching demerits off tomorrow."

"i know, i know."

"can i borrow your drafting notes?"

"i'll get them for you."

rory grinned his wide froggy smile. "actually, i already have them. they're what i came upstairs to get. see you in the study room. oh! i found a letter for you mixed in with mine. i've left it on your bunk."

"don't smear my notes!" i warned him as he clattered off down the stairs. shaking my head, i went into our dormitory room.

i took off my jacket and tossed it on my bunk. i picked up the envelope. i didn't recognize the handwriting, then smiled as the mystery came clear. the return address was a letter writer's shop in burvelle's landing, but the name on it was sergeant erib duril. i opened it quickly, wondering what he could be writing to me about. or rather, having someone else write to me about. most reading and all writing were outside the old cavalla man's field of expertise. sergeant duril had come to my father when his soldiering days were over, seeking a home for his declining years. he'd become my tutor, my mentor, and toward the end of our years together, my friend. from him, i'd learned all my basic cavalla and horsemanship skills, and a great deal about being a man.

i read the curiously formal letter through twice. obviously, the letter writer had chosen to put the old soldier's words in more elegant form than duril himself would have chosen. it did not sound at all like him as he sympathized with my illness and expressed fond wishes that i would recover well. only the sentiment at the end, graciously phrased as it was, sounded like advice my old mentor would have given me:

even after you have recovered from this dread epidemic, i fear that you will find yourself changed. i have witnessed, with my own eyes and often, what this devastating plague can do to a young man's physique. the body that you so carefully sculpted for years under my tutelage may dwindle and serve you less well than it has in the past. nonetheless, i counsel you that it is the soul of a military man that makes him what he is, and i have faith that your soul will remain true to the calling of the good god.

i glanced back at the date on the envelope, and saw that the letter had taken its time to reach me. i wondered if duril had held it for some days, debating as to whether or not to send it, or if the letter writer had simply overlooked the missive and not sent it on its way. well, soon enough i'd see sergeant duril. i smiled to myself, touched that he'd taken the time and spent the coins to send me this. i folded the paper carefully and tucked it away among my books.

i picked up my jacket again. from the chest at the foot of my bed, i took my sewing kit. best to get it done now, and then study. as i looked for the place where the button had popped off, i discovered they all were straining, and two others were on the point of giving way.