Episode 81: Not Okay

Due to the nature of the industry of mercenaries, they were mainly in charge of dangerous tasks that others were reluctant to do, and the lower class of society became mercenaries because they had nothing else to do, and when they ended up crippled, they became beggars.

Helena, who thought mercenaries were romantic professions after hearing only Jason’s story....was greatly shocked by that fact.

Wasn’t that the same as exploiting people who didn’t have something to lose? Some might call it social providence, just as natural as water flowing from the top to the bottom.

(PR/N: social providence; principles and laws governing the natural world.)

However, Helena thought that those who were left out should also be given a choice. Just as she was given a path other than a maid, they must have a path other than mercenaries.

In order for such a path to exist, the approval of a ‘higher person’ with wealth and power was essential.

If she became the crown princess, and even the empress, it could have been enough to achieve it.

Helena woke up from her thoughts. Maybe she wasn’t Eris from the time she called her Lady Antebellum without hesitation. She used to use that name reluctantly.

It was only misjudgment and arrogance that she thought they could finally be friends.

Eventually, Eris hated her until the end. They didn’t have any other future from the beginning. When she realised that, why were tears and laughter coming at the same time?

As Helena Antebellum wished, Eris Misérian remained unchanged. She just seemed to have changed because she was a different person. No, it was rather Helena who had changed.

Helena looked at herself in the mirror in front of the Empress’ Palace. Her glossy hair was now always neatly arranged. Her facial expressions, tone, and even posture have changed beyond recognition. What she was wearing was not a maid’s uniform, but a neat dress made of high-quality fabric.

Spring rain poured down. Strangely enough, it was not outside, but only under the roof, it was pooled under her feet. Would it, perhaps, be for the best? She would never meet her again, and the woman in her body....

Helena thought, thought and thought, and finally remembered her oath from an early summer day.

Even if there was no future for Eris, even if all of this was only a little sympathy for her.

Helena Antebellum decided not to run away anymore.

* * *

One side of my chest sank coldly. Did Helena notice something? I held my breath and looked outside.

However, perhaps because it was the honeymoon room, nothing was heard because it was soundproof. I didn’t know if the sound of footsteps or words was not heard at all because there were really no people around or because of the soundproofing.

I swallowed my saliva once. I couldn’t show it, so I looked at the teacup silently with no expression. If I made eye contact, I felt like I would get caught. Helena looked at my gaze and followed it to the tea. It was still a warm steamy herbal tea.

I wanted to cool down my dry throat, but I was scared that the glass would shake. I blinked for a moment and asked Helena.

“What about Alecto?”

“It’s originally a tradition for the groom to see off the guests until the end. He told me to go to bed first because he won’t be here until dawn.”

Then, as she said, there was really time to spare. Only then did I pick up the teacup. I still wet my lips slowly with the warm tea.

Helena waited for me silently. What should I say? As long as I entered this palace anyway, I had no intention of escaping alive.

Should I say a conventional greeting to congratulate their marriage? But even that was not enough. Because I didn’t really want to bless their marriage. When I couldn’t easily rush the first words, Helena spoke up first.

“I heard you went to a far... away place. Did you enjoy your trip?”

“Travelling? It’s okay to say a night escape. It was a night escape.”

Even with my sharp tone, Helena only smiled softly. I clicked my tongue when I saw that. People shouldn’t just be soft like that.

When I thought of the tenacity that Helena showed when she slapped the maid, I didn’t think she would be swayed by others, but sometimes generosity caused anger.

She suddenly turned her head at a bird’s cry, fixed her gaze out the window, and said,

“I mean, I’ve never been out of this capital in my life. Sometimes I went out with permission, but all I could do was always hover around the Imperial Palace.”

She looked back at me and took a sip of tea.

“So I thought I would like to travel if I quit my maid’s job someday. Going far away.... I wanted to see and experience a completely different world from this capital.”

“Travel is not as romantic as you think.”

The empire was on the very good side of security. Even in such an empire, the risk increased right away as it got closer to the border. Therefore, there were many cases where people were robbed or kidnapped and sold for human trafficking if they were not accompanied by an escort with considerable skills.

Moreover, if there was a woman with a noticeable appearance like Helena’s..... There was also a strong possibility of a ‘human hunter’ being attached, who specialised in human trafficking. She smiled bitterly when she heard me.

“I know. It’s a false dream for me....”

“.....”

“But, I wanted to see the sea too.”

Boom. Somehow, my heart sank at the words. The humble words of missing the sea filled my lungs. The sea.. I was wondering. I couldn’t breathe. Because I knew that her wish couldn’t be fulfilled.

The sea was so far from the empire which never got along with the Genyuin Kingdom, where the sea was.

Alecto took Helena to a lake as large as the Dead Sea, but it was only a lake, since it was not the sea, it would not have given the same impression.

She couldn’t see the sea until she died. It was not like there were no people in the world who died without seeing the sea once, but why did that sentence make a person sentimental? That was probably because I had seen the sea.

The sea under the bright sun, the sea with golden waves, the serene and beautiful night sea.....

Those who had heard the sound of the sea breathing once had no choice but to fall in love with the sea. Because the sea was the origin of human beings, or all living things on Earth, I.... was it okay to be deprived of the opportunity?

For me, did I deserve it?

“Lady Misérian?”

The sound of Helena’s call suddenly awoke me from thoughts. I thought I was quite firm, but why was I going back and forth these days? I already knew the reason.

I.. I was going crazy. The wounds left in the soul, whether self-contained or unintentional, festered and left me with a laceration.

I couldn’t get weak now. It was already the limit. If I failed again this time, if I woke up in this world again, I might beg the witch to kill me so I didn’t wake up again because it was okay if I couldn’t go back to my world.

I repeated to myself. Helena was nothing. She was just a character in a novel. Hubris would save her again. This was all a planned narrative, and it couldn’t be helped.... I couldn’t help it.....

— You really couldn’t help it?

A voice rang in my head. It was the voice of Eris. She sat close to my ear and said in a mocking voice.

— Hypocrite. You didn’t even think about looking for another future.

It was noisy. I tried to shake off the voice. My stomach started to ache. I had done enough. I gave her a chance. If she wanted to run away, she could have run away. Helena said she would stay.

— You were relieved when she said she’d stay. What were you going to do if she really wanted to run away and there was no solution? Were you going to get married instead of her?

“I’ll bring the doctor.”

“No!”

Helena on the opposite side looked at my face and grabbed me with trembling hands as I tried to stand up. If my arms were searched in an examination, I would get caught with a knife. Then everything would be over.

She saw the shaking of my hand and put her hand on it. Even her hands were warm. It was always like that.

— See? You’re just like other people. You only think about using her kindness.

Only a ringing sound could be heard clearly even if I covered my ears with both hands. Shut up.

What was bad about it? What was bad about doing as much as I could? Are you saying that I should save Helena?

— You’re not going to do anything so why do you feel guilty when you’re justifying everything by saying she’s just a fictional character? You’re such a great person who cares about others, are you going to comfort her?

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“....I’m fine.”

It was a lie. None of it was fine.

I had a splitting headache and a stomachache. When I couldn’t stand up easily because my legs weren’t tense, Helena helped me. She laid me on the bed and measured the fever with the back of her hand.

“Lady Misérian, I think you have a fever.”

— Just be honest with me. The reason why you were able to pledge to kill Helena Antebellum so easily was that you could return to your world without paying for your sins.

No. With my death.....

— You don’t think it’s enough to pay for the crime because you’re being executed, do you? You tried to kill yourself over and over again, saying it didn’t matter if you died.

Eris’ low, gloomy voice caught my breath. No, this was not the spirit of Eris Misérian. It was just a dirty and disgusting shadow of myself.

— More than the life line which became lighter because you thought carelessly, every breath of Helena Antebellum, who had always done her best, was a hundred times more precious.

“Lady Miserian.... Are you crying now....?”