Chapter 4: Reason For Falling in Love

Alan laughed.

It was a clear laugh.

“Let’s pretend we didn’t hear that.”

With those cold words, the collection of poems came closer to me. When he reached out his hand towards my face, the book was placed on my trembling palm with a tap sound.

Alan turned around, slightly loosening the dark red, cravat around his neck.

I couldn’t do anything but look up at his black back. Hoping that it wasn’t me who made him feel frustrated.

At that very moment, Alan glanced back at me. When our eyes met, I thought it wouldn’t be strange if my heart stopped like this. It may be my illusion, but his eyes looked as if he had something to say....

But it was also my wish, and his gaze stayed on my face for just about three seconds. At the same time, the tip of his sleek chin headed straight back, Alan strode away from me.

His back slowly blended into the street that was dyed in scarlet. It was such a familiar scene to me. Enough to make me believe that everything that just happened was an illusion, and the sight I’m seeing right now was real.

On the way back home, it seemed that I was in a daze the whole time. As scrambled down the street, less than an hour from the city centre, I was preoccupied with the thought of Alan’s flawless and beautiful skin,

Even his cold transparent blueish-gray eyes did not leave my mind. As if the after-image was engraved in my mind.

I got goosebumps all over my body when I remembered the feeling when his cold gaze slowly swept across my face.

“Hey, Melissa!”

“....I’m back, mom.”

“What about your hat!”

When I returned home, my mother immediately tracked down the whereabouts of my hat. My mother, whose only hobby is to look out the window with a lethargic face, ran out when she saw that my hat wasn’t in my hand.

“That’s something I got from my aunt and grandmother a few years ago.”

“What? How can you go out in the social world wearing that old-fashioned thing? You think you would stand out with that? I gave you enough money to buy something good!”

“.. It’s clean. It’s just that it’s a little modest.”

“So, you came back empty-handed? You didn’t buy Sarah’s hat, but you bought useless books? Ugh!”,

“Oh, I bought a moon ribbon for my hat. I’m going to ask Mrs. Kerney for a favor. This is a poetry book bought because I had some money left.”

At my words, my mother was furious and pounded her chest.

“Melissa! Are you still thinking about becoming an author?”

When I was still a teenager, I told my mother that! wanted to be an author, but her response was very bad. I haven’t said anything like that ever since then, but.... As expected, she must’ve remembered.

“.. This is just a collection of poems, mom. I wanted to read poems in autumn....

“It’s fine to write and dream of becoming an author.”

My mother snorted like an angry bull and cut off my words.

“But, shouldn’t it be your priority to find a good husband? You don’t seem to not understand what I’m talking about.”

“You can live leisurely with your husband’s wealth and use it to do your hobby. Yes?”

A dream that couldn’t come true anyway. My mother’s small words stung me.

Worrying about marriage continued quite long as always. Having managed to endure it, I went straight to Mrs. Kerney and handed her the hat and ribbon. I also said to not forget to put it up beautifully

Then, I sat alone in front of my desk inside my room. I wanted to think about something else because my heart was feeling stuffy. It was a natural step for me to start reading poetry.

To be honest, the poems in the book didn’t really impress me. Since it was an impulsive purchase,

I skimmed through the poems with dry eyes, turning the pages halfheartedly, with an attitude that seemed as if it was an obligation.

It was when a poem titled made my gaze

stop.

There’s a shadow you left on the

street

When I read the first line, of course, I thought of Alan

I was the one being swallowed alive in the coral sky that I looked up over your shoulder on that summer day

I was out of breath because it was filled by you

I lie on the wall where your soul was resting, and I felt in ease

You were my mistake

I missed him.

I’ve always been curious about the reason for love. think I’ve always been curious ever since the moment I existed.

Of course, I wasn’t trying to talk about a crush. This curiosity was about the beginning of lovers who swore love to each other.

One day, I asked my mother about how she decided to be Mrs. Collins. The answer, that my mother gave without hesitating, who was sewing a button on an old coat, was,

‘Livelihood.

Her voice was dry and said so without even looking away from the thread and needle.

Perhaps, because it was an answer that could be expected or convinced, I wasn’t disappointed.

Anyway, the Collins couple now have a similar relationship to love, so it’s fine. I thought so. This was because I didn’t think love had to be hot and intense.

I have nothing to say if someone laughed at me for the way I knew about it while not having anyone to love.

I asked right away when I heard the news that Viola had just started dating.

‘Why did you choose that person?’

I didn’t expect a great answer, but I still asked her. I was just curious. As to what sense and conviction everyone started to love. That has been my longstanding concern.

‘Because I’m lonely.’

When Viola answered, her face was calm.

‘The world is so big and we’re all weak youths, Mel./ thought it would be nice to have someone to lean on. Completely on my side. Wouldn’t that be the same for everyone?’

I didn’t know what Viola meant. So I just nodded my head moderately.

But, I totally stood on my own side. That was such a childish story.

This was my real intention; There couldn’t be anyone else on my side other than myself in this world.

It was just a question. Do people really expect such nonsense and start dating? It’s not like they don’t know that they will eventually end up being disappointed and hurt. I was just wondering endlessly

Of course, I have feelings for Alan, but this was just a simple crush.

...So, it meant that I didn’t have any expectations, that I might develop feelings for him. I was also keenly aware of how poor Melissa Collins was for Alan Leopold.

The reason why I couldn’t become a lover with anyone in my past life or present life. I was afraid to admit it, but I already knew.

The essence is a feeling of inferiority.

When I fell in love, I couldn’t experience it with a calm mind. I didn’t think I would have been the only one who felt this way, but I didn’t even know how I fell into it calculatively. It was just irresistible and I got caught up in it.

There’s a brilliant type of person in this world. The people, who could easily steal someone’s heart and soul, they couldn’t help but to look dazzling in any way.

I’m obviously not of that sort.

So, it’s unimaginable for me to confess my love to him, who took my heart without any explanation or understanding. I just have to wait helplessly for this love to fade away.

If I had been as calculating as my mother, I would have tried. If I had the courage to start a love for a simple reason like ‘Because I was lonely like Viola, a lot of things would’ve changed.

However, these thoughts also meant nothing. Alan Leopold is too far and overwhelming for me.

We were close to each other when I encountered him I might have breathed the same air as him. If not, at least maybe just a little bit. In that sense, was it natural to think of him while reading this poem?

When I thought about his breath, my heart somehow became heavy.

Then, suddenly I heard a knock. I raised my head, which had been down looking at the poem. The small flame that sat on the tip of the candle trembled dangerously.

“Melissa.”

It was Mrs. Kerney’s voice. When I hurriedly opened the door, her innocent face was filled with a smile, showing her protruding front teeth. Madame had a hat in her small hand. A forked bonnet surrounded by a sky blue velvet ribbon.

“Are you done, ma’am?”

“Yes, take a look.”

In order to chase the thoughtfulness, I shook my head a couple of times and picked up the hat.

“What do you think?”

I turned around the hat that was beautifully wrapped with a bright ribbon. As expected, Mrs. Kerney’s skills were no doubt. It didn’t look new, but it was stylish enough that I could wear it right away.

“It’s pretty. Thank you.”

“That’s a relief.”

Madame smiled with her good-looking face. At that moment, I suddenly realized that I had never heard about Mrs. Kearney’s love story. If I didn’t know she was separated from her husband, I would’ve asked her earlier....

As for how Mrs. Kearney came to my house, it was from the beginning that she had a connection with my father when her husband joined the military.

He suddenly passed away during the training. My father, who felt sorry for Mrs. Kearney, who had nowhere to go, recommended her to come into our house as an employee.

“Do you have anything to say about the hat?”

“Oh..”

I suddenly thought. If it’s now, wouldn’t it be okay to ask? I heard that the time when madame came overlapped with my birthday, so it has been twenty years.

I stopped talking and started with the intention of apologizing if Mrs. Kearney showed any signs of discomfort.

“Madam, I’m in love these days, so I’m a little curious about.....”

“Love.”

Madame smiled when she looked at my fingertips nervously fiddling with my hat, and my eyes wandered around, not knowing where to look.

It was sunset time, and the corridor without windows was dark. The only thing that was casting light was the madame’s greenish-brown eyes.

“So, you mean you’re in love?”

“What? For me, such a thing is....”

was embarrassed at that moment and blurred the end of my words. I just wanted madame not to say anything to my mother.

“....Be, because I cut the price for the hat, I bought a collection of poems, and it turned out to be a collection of love poems.”

“That’s possible. When I was as young as you, I loved, poetry.”

“This actually wasn’t the poetry book I wanted to buy Of all things, I’m a little short of money...!”

I don’t know why I was explaining about this....

“So, how did madame fall in love? What kind of confidence did your husband give you to decide that you were ready for marriage? I heard that he was a noble....”

“Well.. If you feel uncomfortable, you don’t have to answer me.”

“It’s not a pleasant thing.”

Mrs. Kearney’s smile faded and she shifted her gaze to the sky as if she were lost in thought.

Her answer was a little out of my expectations,

“..I was at stake.”

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Comments from Korean readers:

This is a novel that shows what a carefully crafted sentence is. This is a novel that keeps me looking for more works done by this author.

I love the atmosphere of the novel and the lines used.

Life?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Wow, the sentences are really nice.